Helping another person become fully themselves in Christ.
Guiding Without Controlling
Mentoring is an important work. It involves stepping into someone else’s story—not to rewrite it, but to walk alongside them as they navigate the twists and turns of life. It’s about being present without overstepping, offering wisdom without wielding control. True mentoring is less about shaping someone’s path to match your own and more about helping them find their footing so they can walk boldly in their own calling.
One of the most profound truths about mentoring is that you can’t make someone else’s choices, and you shouldn’t let someone else make yours. It’s a delicate balance—empowering others to own their decisions while fully owning your own.
It sounds simple, but it’s not easy. Why? Because there’s something in us that wants to fix, to control, to steer others in the “right” direction (which often means the direction we think they should go). But mentoring is not about creating a replica of yourself. It’s about helping another person become fully themselves in Christ.
The Freedom to Choose
God Himself demonstrates this principle. Think about the Garden of Eden. He gave Adam and Eve the freedom to choose, even when He knew their choices could bring heartbreak. Why? Because love without freedom isn’t love at all. Control might give the illusion of safety, but it stifles growth and diminishes the beauty of what it means to be human.
As mentors, we are called to reflect that same grace. We don’t manipulate outcomes or micromanage decisions. Instead, we offer counsel, share our experiences, and pray fervently, but ultimately, we step back and let them choose. It’s an act of trust—not just in the person we’re mentoring but in the God who holds their story.
The temptation to take over can be strong, especially when you see someone standing on the edge of what looks like a bad decision. You might feel the urge to grab their hand and yank them back, but real mentoring is about holding safe space, not strings. You provide a safe place where they can wrestle, question, and process, but you resist the urge to pull their decisions in a particular direction. People have choices to make. Our part is to guide, advise, and discuss—but not to make the choice on their behalf. We want people to grow in God, maturity, and understanding.
Jesus modelled this perfectly. When the rich young ruler came to Him, seeking guidance on inheriting eternal life, Jesus told him the truth: sell everything, give to the poor, and follow Him. But when the man walked away saddened, Jesus didn’t chase him down or try to sweeten the deal. He let him walk. Why? Because following Jesus is a choice. It has to come from a place of genuine desire, not coercion.
Mentoring operates in the same way. You can point to the narrow road, but you can’t make someone walk it. Your role is to illuminate the path, not to drag them along it, kicking and screaming!
The Courage to Let Go
Letting someone else own their decisions requires courage. Sometimes their choices will thrill you; other times, they’ll break your heart. But remember, their journey isn’t about you. As a mentor, you are a guide, not the protagonist. Their story is being written by the same Author who is writing yours, and He’s infinitely more capable of bringing it to a beautiful conclusion than you are. This is where the place of friendship and trust makes a lasting mark that influences others in their decision-making process.
There’s also a reverse side to this truth. Just as you can’t make someone else’s choices, you shouldn’t let someone else make yours. This is especially important for those in positions of influence. It’s easy to feel the pressure to conform, to live according to others’ expectations, or to seek approval from those you respect. But a life led by the opinions of others is a life disconnected from the voice of God.
Jesus was clear about this. He said, “I do not seek my own will but the will of Him who sent me” (John 5:30). Even when others tried to steer Him—whether it was Peter urging Him to avoid the cross or the crowds wanting to make Him king—Jesus stayed anchored in His Father’s purpose. He wasn’t swayed by public opinion or private persuasion; He knew His mission and stayed the course.
If we’re to mentor others well, we must first learn to own our own decisions. We must walk in obedience to the call God has placed on our lives, unafraid to disappoint those who might not understand. This isn’t about being stubborn or dismissive; it’s about being faithful. You can’t help someone else find their way if you’re constantly second-guessing your own.
Empowered to Empower
When you mentor someone, you’re not just giving them advice—you’re helping them step into their God-given identity. You’re showing them what it looks like to trust God with their choices, to listen for His voice, and to take responsibility for their actions. That’s why it’s so important to empower others to own their decisions. It’s not about abandoning them to figure it out alone but about equipping them with the tools and confidence to seek God’s will and walk it out.
Paul captured this idea brilliantly in his letters to Timothy. He didn’t dictate every move young Timothy should make. Instead, he encouraged him to fan into flame the gift of God, to preach the word, and to endure hardship. Paul didn’t hold Timothy’s hand through every challenge, but he cheered him on, reminding him of the power of the Spirit within him.
That’s what mentoring is all about. It’s speaking life into someone’s potential, reminding them of who they are in Christ, and then stepping back so they can soar. It’s about being a steady presence without being a controlling force. It’s about trusting that the same Spirit who is at work in you is also at work in them.
Ultimately, life isn’t about achieving perfection or avoiding mistakes but about surrendering to the One who redeems all things. Let your words and actions continually draw others to the grace and power of the gospel; show them that their worth isn’t tied to their successes or failures but to the unchanging love of Christ.
And remember: the goal of mentoring isn’t to create followers of you. It’s to create disciples of Jesus.
Let that be your guiding principle as you empower others to own their decisions while faithfully owning yours.